Dealing with the underlying layers seems to be a slow process, but I still believe it will be the most successful one.
When I met my husband 15 and a half years ago, I was close to the weight I am know. Unfortunately I seemed to live in black spandex leggings and big baggy black t-shirts.
He fell in love with me despite my size and atrocious appearance. This has since become my safety nets of sorts.
Knowing that he loved me the way I was then, is like a security blanket that I have yet to untangle myself from. He would like me to lose weight and become healthier (as do I), but he does not push it and does not get nasty with me over it.
I do work out 2-3 times a week for half an hour, as that is when we work out together. He is super skinny and does not need to push himself further, whereas I on the other hand am a different story.
I eat well, but not as well as I should and as I have stated... I do work out, although it is no where near as much as I should to actually make a positive difference.
So what is holding me back from doing what I know I need to do?
I know I want to lose at least 70lbs and look and feel sexier, healthier and stronger. I can see it! I can see me! It's the manifesting part that has my feet still in the thick black mud and the fuzzy warm blanket securely wrapped around me.
Why is that? What am I not yet facing?
Monday, February 18, 2008
Friday, February 1, 2008
Why am I fat? The underlying layers....
The inner struggles of coming to grips on why you begin to over eat.
I have always thought that I began putting on the weight when my Dad began fighting for his life. He had a long hard four year struggle with skin cancer and passed away back in October of 1994.
Near the end not much gave him pleasure except for desserts and chocolate bars. Having had always been a slim fit man, this was a different side of my Dad, but since he could no longer take walks, go for a nice drive, or even really get out of his reclining chair due to the pain and amount of tumors all over his body....my Mom and I would sit in the family room with him and share in one of the few pleasures he had left...eating.
We would also have the chocolate bars, desserts and even the homemade date squares my Grandma and Aunt would send over from Vancouver Island for him.
From then on (except for a two year stint where I had lost 35lbs, between 1996 and 1998) I have been stuck at 230 lbs.
That is what it feels like..... I have stepped into a very deep (thigh high) puddle of extra thick black sludgy mud and can barely seem to push myself forwards.
Two weeks ago I went out for lunch with my Mom. It was just the two of us, which is very rare since I had my son a few years ago.
We began talking about our weight gain and I mentioned about how I had started putting it on shortly after Dad got sick.
She advised that that was not when it began. I looked at her strangely thinking to myself "What are you talking about?" Thinking that she must have muddled memories considering what she was going through back then herself.
Then she advised me that she witnessed it begin in 1989 after my (teenage) world had been blown apart into smithereens.
I was dating someone who was very very important to me at the time. Lets call him 'D'. We always hung out with my best friend 'K'. It was pretty much always just the three of us. I had sort of meandered away from all of my other close friends, as I was pretty much accustomed to doing.
Drifting back a bit farther to explain. My Dad worked for a company that had us selling our family home and moving from place to place every 2-3 years until I was in grade 5. Since I was so accustomed to not being close friends with other kids for very long, I still seemed to change friends every few years even though we were living in the same location. A weird habit, I know. It was even a fear I had when I met my husband, but we are doing great and have been together now for over 15 years!
Back to the weight gain and teenage arrow through the heart and soul....
I had pretty much made these two people my world, only to finally have to come to the realization of what I already thought might have been going on. Just as I am sure you already have a strong idea in the backs of your heads too
.
Yes, of course they were sleeping together! Even on the night of my birthday. I had had some friends over and after the party he insisted on giving her a ride home before he went home to his Dad's. ....... I should have known right from there.
Apparently that was the first night....Happy Birthday to me.
Next (a few days later) I witness him letting her learn to drive standard in his car as were are driving down the freeway towards Vancouver. Later that night when it is just the two of us, I ask him if I can learn to drive standard with him. He very strongly states "No way, not in my car!".
Hmmmmm, 'K' was already driving like a maniac in her 'automatic' car and I drove way better (and safer) and she did. Clue number two, but of course I let that one slide as well.
Near the end of the year, I come to terms with things and pour a case of beer into 'D's favorite Flouvog boots and walk away from both of them.
About two years later 'D' turns up on my doorstep telling me that he had had some counseling and realized I was someone really special and was sorry for what had happened. We take it easy as friends, then it progresses. Next thing 'K' wants back in my life. I see her on my own a few times. Then they want to do something all together again. So I ask her "Can I trust you being around 'D'?". She says 'yes'. I ask him the same question a couple days later. He honestly responds that he is not sure. I take a chance and not too long after they are back at it. I just shake my head and walk away.
It's still a pretty deep wound, but I had thought I had put it behind me. I guess I need to deal with it and close that door, so I can drop the fat as I walk away this time.
Please take a look at the photos, as that is what I have been mentally doing these last few weeks to determine that my Mom was right.
Although I have one question which needs to be asked. If she was watching this happen to my weight, why was nothing done about it back then?
These pictures range from 1986 to 2002.
Can you see the difference?
I have always thought that I began putting on the weight when my Dad began fighting for his life. He had a long hard four year struggle with skin cancer and passed away back in October of 1994.
Near the end not much gave him pleasure except for desserts and chocolate bars. Having had always been a slim fit man, this was a different side of my Dad, but since he could no longer take walks, go for a nice drive, or even really get out of his reclining chair due to the pain and amount of tumors all over his body....my Mom and I would sit in the family room with him and share in one of the few pleasures he had left...eating.
We would also have the chocolate bars, desserts and even the homemade date squares my Grandma and Aunt would send over from Vancouver Island for him.
From then on (except for a two year stint where I had lost 35lbs, between 1996 and 1998) I have been stuck at 230 lbs.
That is what it feels like..... I have stepped into a very deep (thigh high) puddle of extra thick black sludgy mud and can barely seem to push myself forwards.
Two weeks ago I went out for lunch with my Mom. It was just the two of us, which is very rare since I had my son a few years ago.
We began talking about our weight gain and I mentioned about how I had started putting it on shortly after Dad got sick.
She advised that that was not when it began. I looked at her strangely thinking to myself "What are you talking about?" Thinking that she must have muddled memories considering what she was going through back then herself.
Then she advised me that she witnessed it begin in 1989 after my (teenage) world had been blown apart into smithereens.
I was dating someone who was very very important to me at the time. Lets call him 'D'. We always hung out with my best friend 'K'. It was pretty much always just the three of us. I had sort of meandered away from all of my other close friends, as I was pretty much accustomed to doing.
Drifting back a bit farther to explain. My Dad worked for a company that had us selling our family home and moving from place to place every 2-3 years until I was in grade 5. Since I was so accustomed to not being close friends with other kids for very long, I still seemed to change friends every few years even though we were living in the same location. A weird habit, I know. It was even a fear I had when I met my husband, but we are doing great and have been together now for over 15 years!Back to the weight gain and teenage arrow through the heart and soul....
I had pretty much made these two people my world, only to finally have to come to the realization of what I already thought might have been going on. Just as I am sure you already have a strong idea in the backs of your heads too
.Yes, of course they were sleeping together! Even on the night of my birthday. I had had some friends over and after the party he insisted on giving her a ride home before he went home to his Dad's. ....... I should have known right from there.
Apparently that was the first night....Happy Birthday to me.
Next (a few days later) I witness him letting her learn to drive standard in his car as were are driving down the freeway towards Vancouver. Later that night when it is just the two of us, I ask him if I can learn to drive standard with him. He very strongly states "No way, not in my car!".
Hmmmmm, 'K' was already driving like a maniac in her 'automatic' car and I drove way better (and safer) and she did. Clue number two, but of course I let that one slide as well.
Near the end of the year, I come to terms with things and pour a case of beer into 'D's favorite Flouvog boots and walk away from both of them.
About two years later 'D' turns up on my doorstep telling me that he had had some counseling and realized I was someone really special and was sorry for what had happened. We take it easy as friends, then it progresses. Next thing 'K' wants back in my life. I see her on my own a few times. Then they want to do something all together again. So I ask her "Can I trust you being around 'D'?". She says 'yes'. I ask him the same question a couple days later. He honestly responds that he is not sure. I take a chance and not too long after they are back at it. I just shake my head and walk away.
It's still a pretty deep wound, but I had thought I had put it behind me. I guess I need to deal with it and close that door, so I can drop the fat as I walk away this time.
Please take a look at the photos, as that is what I have been mentally doing these last few weeks to determine that my Mom was right.
Although I have one question which needs to be asked. If she was watching this happen to my weight, why was nothing done about it back then?
These pictures range from 1986 to 2002.
Can you see the difference?
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